Three Months

I used to believe that if I connected with someone, I could trust what I was seeing.

If they were kind, I believed they were kind. If they seemed interested in me, I believed the interest was genuine. If they told me who they were, I believed them.

Why wouldn't I?

But one of the things I've learned after narcissistic abuse is that you don't really know someone because you've had a few great conversations with them. You don't know them because you have a lot in common. And you definitely don't know them because they tell you that you do.

You know someone by watching them over time.

That's where my three-month rule came from.

Give It Three Months

Three months isn't a magic number. It isn't a guarantee that someone is safe, healthy, or right for you.

It's simply permission to slow down.

When someone new comes into my life, I don't feel the same pressure anymore to immediately decide what that relationship is going to become.

I give it time.

I pay attention.

Do their actions match their words?

Are they still the same person when they don't get what they want?

Can I disagree with them without their behavior toward me changing?

Do they respect a boundary without making me feel guilty for having one?

Are they curious about who I actually am—or are they mostly interested in how I make them feel?

And maybe most importantly:

How do I feel when I'm around them?

I Didn't Always Ask That Question

For a long time, I was paying attention to whether someone liked me.

I wasn't paying enough attention to whether I liked who I was around them.

That's a very different question.

When you've spent years adapting yourself to other people's moods, expectations, and reactions, it can become second nature to accommodate.

You explain things away.

You give another chance.

You tell yourself you're overthinking.

You notice something that doesn't feel quite right, but then they do something wonderful and you dismiss what you noticed.

I've done it.

More than once.

What I've learned is that I don't have to explain away that feeling anymore.

I can simply notice it.

Time Reveals Patterns

Anyone can make a good first impression.

Consistency takes longer.

Over time, you begin to see how someone handles disappointment. You see how they talk about people who aren't in the room. You see whether their stories remain consistent. You see whether they respect your time, your boundaries, and your independence.

You also start seeing something else:

yourself.

Am I changing myself to keep this person happy?

Am I afraid to say something because I'm already anticipating their reaction?

Am I making excuses for behavior I wouldn't accept from someone else?

Or can I simply be Sande?

That last question matters to me now.

Because I spent too much of my life around people who wanted to tell me who I was.

I'm no longer in a hurry to hand someone that kind of access to me.

You Don't Have to Rush

The three-month rule isn't about becoming suspicious of everyone.

It's actually the opposite.

It's about allowing a relationship to develop naturally instead of trying to figure everything out immediately.

You don't have to assume someone has bad intentions.

You also don't have to assume they have good ones.

You can just watch.

Listen.

Notice.

Let their behavior answer the questions for you.

And while you're learning who they are, keep paying attention to who you are when you're with them.

That may tell you more than anything else.

You survived relationships where someone else had too much influence over how you saw yourself.

Moving forward doesn't mean closing yourself off.

It means taking your time before opening the gate.

Three months. No rushing. No proving. No convincing yourself. Just time, consistency, and paying attention.

You are allowed to decide who gets access to you.

And you don't have to decide today.